They Should Have Beaten Me Harder The Physical Abuse Cycle

Douglas Rushkoff: I was always getting beaten. I frequently had to go into the yard and locate the switch Douglas' mother beat him with whatever she could lay her hands on, he says. Douglas Rushkoff: I've always hit my kids, and no matter what anyone told me about how bad it was, it never made sense to me. It's the first time I've realized why it's not a loving way to discipline my children.

In December 2005, I led a two-day workshop for men who had recently been released from a domestic violence prison. The men were accompanied by their wives, as well as the father of a batterer who was still incarcerated.

Douglas, the father, sat in front of me, recounting his childhood memories.

"My mother was a very loving woman - a big-hearted, hardworking loving woman," he explained. I knew from my many years of counseling that my definition of love and his definition of love were almost certainly very different.

"Did she ever hit you?" I inquired.

"Oh, yes. She was always one step ahead of me. My father beat my mother, and my mother beat me. But she beat me because I was a bad person. I was terrible. Maybe I wouldn't have been so bad if she had beaten me more."

"With what did she beat you?"

"Whatever she could lay her hands on. Wooden spoons, extension cords. I frequently had to go into the yard and locate the switch."

"How did you feel knowing you were going to get beaten?"

"Oh my God, I was terrified. I'd beg and plead and promise not to do whatever it was she was upset about again. That, however, never worked. I was always getting beaten. Then, after the beating, she'd tell me how much she loved me, how it was for my own good, and how it hurt her more than it hurt me."

"And how bad were you?"

"Well, sometimes I'd be late, and sometimes I'd argue. Then, at a young age, I became addicted to alcohol and drugs. Maybe if she had beaten me more, I wouldn't have done drugs and alcohol."

"What makes you think you did the drugs and alcohol?"

"I was just in too much pain. It took my mind off the pain for a while."

"How bad was the pain?"

"I'm not sure. "I was just in a lot of pain."

"Do you think you were hurting because the woman who was supposed to protect you was actually hurting you? That she was perplexing you by telling you she loved you while beating and frightening you? That there was no one to turn to for protection and care? That you were terrified for much of the time because of the beatings? That you were terribly lonely and couldn't turn to your parents because they were the source of your pain?"

Silence………

Then he looked at me, stunned. As the light bulb went off in his head, tears streamed down his weathered cheeks. He was soon sobbing.

"That's correct...

That's correct....

The problem was the beatings. More thrashings would have done nothing to help. And I beat my children because I thought it was the right thing to do, and now my son is in prison for beating his wife, and protective services wants to take their daughter away. And the other day, when she wasn't looking, I almost hit her. I'm relieved I didn't. This must end! This has to end!"

I took a look around the room. Everyone was crying. Kathy, the batterer's wife, broke down in tears.

"I've always hit my kids, and no matter what anyone told me about how bad it was, it never made sense to me. It's the first time I've realized why it's not a good or loving way to discipline my children. And I understand why I have so many issues with my older son and why he is on drugs. I had no idea why he was always so angry with me. Now I see what you mean. I need to find a new way to discipline myself. I'm going to start reading parenting books and take a parenting class."

I hugged Douglas for his profound work and the impact it was having on everyone in the room. I thanked God for the opportunity to work with these people. It turned out that all of them had been severely beaten as children.

I am grateful to James Beard, who leads workshops with batterers inside the prison, and to Lindsay Wagner, who also works with these men and their families. They were both assisting me at this workshop. We all smiled at each other, grateful for the healing that was happening.