You Make Me Sick, and Other Anger Inducing Phrases from Parents

You Make Me Sick, and Other Anger Inducing Phrases from Parents. "I'll break your neck if you don't do your homework right now!". "Please leave me alone; I've had a bad day" is one of many angry parents' pet peeves. Anger produces very colorful and exaggerated statements. Parents and caregivers must make a concerted effort to remove these damaging phrases from their vocabulary. Shocking statements have a place in parenting on occasion, but when used on a daily basis, they will only serve to create fear or simply numb your child.

When speaking to your child, deliberately lower your voice and explain why you are angry. If punishment is required, make it as realistic as possible. A parent's weapon against the outside world is healthy communication. Accept responsibility for your actions and offer an apology rather than an excuse.

Maryann is so focused that she has gone blind. She's stepped over the line of responsibility and forgotten why she's working so hard. It's for her child.

Being a single parent is difficult. There isn't much time left in the day between working, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and homework. Being the sole supporter of a young child is a heavy burden. But, when the pressures and tensions are so intense that harmful words spill out like bitter pills, isn't it time to take stock?

"Clean up your room or I'll kill you!" "I'll break your neck if you don't do your homework right now!" "Please leave me alone; I've had a bad day."

These are the words of a mother who adores her daughter and works hard to provide for her. If you asked Maryann, she would say she would do anything for her child. But why can't she see that respectful communication conveys love more effectively than a new pair of shoes? And why does she need to be reminded to respect her child?

Maryann is not by herself. Life is difficult. We've all heard angry parents, whether married or single, speak to their children. We've all rolled our eyes at the dramatic threats, knowing full well they're not going to be carried out. But does a child realize these are just stupid words uttered in frustration? Is a child aware that violent threats of bodily harm are meaningless?

Whether over-the-top drama is blurted out in anger or simply used to get a child's attention, the results are unhealthy and damaging.

What do you think Billy learned from when he tells a classmate he's going to kill him over a broken crayon? And, in today's climate, do you believe anyone would dismiss it as an innocent statement made by an innocent child? Billy would be summoned to the principal's office right away. And if he didn't, he'd be called down after the victim of his harsh words went home and told his parents, who then informed the school.

What happens when your child reaches a certain age and develops a serious problem? What if he needs to discuss drugs or alcohol? Or does she have a school problem or a question about boys? Belittling your child with angry words and intimidation will break down communication barriers long before you reach this point. What would you do if your child told you she was having sex and you threatened to "kill" her for having a messy room?

Anger produces very colorful and exaggerated statements. By controlling their anger, parents and caregivers must make a concerted effort to remove these damaging phrases from their vocabulary. Save the drama for when it is truly required. Shocking statements have a place in parenting on occasion, but when used on a daily basis, they will only serve to create fear or simply numb your child to your words.

Examine your vocabulary; are you unintentionally harming your relationship with your child? Here are some steps to help you regain control when frustration and anger flare up. Take a deep breath from your diaphragm rather than your chest. Exhale slowly. Imagine your words evaporating into the air as you do this. Lift your hand in a stopping motion, palm out. 

This will signal to your child that you need a break and will serve as a reminder to you that you are controlling your anger. Continue to breathe deeply while telling yourself to relax. Wait until you have a sense of control. When you speak, deliberately lower your voice, not to a whisper, but to a soft, paced level. Then, without using threats or harsh criticism, explain to your child why you are angry. It's fine to express disappointment or outrage over a messy room or a poor grade, but focus on the problem and offer a solution or a reasonable ultimatum. If punishment is required, make it as realistic as possible. 

I'm not aware of a single parent who forbade their child from watching television for the rest of their life. Make good on your promises. If you do become angry, offer your child an apology rather than an excuse. Accept responsibility for your actions. Examine the situation that sparked your rage. Was it, in fact, your child? Is there something else going on? If this is the case, what can you do to remedy the situation or avoid it in the future?

Anger is a normal human emotion. It cannot be completely controlled or removed from our lives, but we can change how we deal with it. You gain an invaluable gift in the process: a respectful relationship with your child. A parent's weapon against the outside world is healthy communication. In times of trouble, a child should turn to his parent rather than flee in terror.